vital for Family bonding
need for love and validation from their father has led many teens to forbidden
and self-destructive behaviors.
Aziza Baig, 21 is engaged to a civil engineer, whom she does not want to marry.
She hates her father for forcing her to marry a person whom she cannot tolerate
even for few hours.
Karim Wagoo, 19, is stuck in a B.Sc. (IT) course, in which he has no interest.
He says his life has become miserable as he has no aptitude and interest in
computers. But his father insisted on taking B.Sc IT. Even Karim hates his
father for ignoring his (Karim’s) real interest.
Rehana Jagirdar, 27, hates both of her parents for not being very concerned
about her marriage and devoting more time for community and social work.
Today’s children are better informed than their parents and hence are capable of
taking their own decisions. Unfortunately many Muslim parents are not
comfortable with this fact and behave arrogantly and enforce their views and
will on their children. Result, many children hate their parents for not
There are many Muslim families who push their children harder financially and
materially. Many parents try to destroy a child by foisting their own will on
them, forcing them to live out their dreams. They usually want their sons and
daughters to attend a good college and marry the very best in status
irrespective of their need and choice.
Such parents are very attached to their own expectations of their children, but
they forget that they have claims on them too.
Rehana Jagirdar complains that his father hardly spends time with the family.
“My father spends long hours away from our family serving on masjid committees,
counseling strangers with their problems, organizing fund-raising events, and
attending endless meetings. When he is at home, he talks on the phone for hours,
sits with all kind of files, and then collapses, exhausted into bed”. “Why he
has no time for me? Why he is not taking interest in finding me a good life
partner? I am 27, why he is not realizing that I also need a stable life and
desire to have a good life companion? She asked.
In today’s world, it is not enough for the father to bring home the money and
then feel he has done his job. Sons and daughters need their fathers to spend
time with them. Sons who are deprived of their father’s companionship and
affection are more likely to become delinquent or deviant in their teens.
Daughters who fail to receive their father’s attention and moral support are
more vulnerable to sexual predators as they unconsciously search for a loving
father replacement. A desperate need for love and validation has led many teens
to forbidden and self-destructive behaviors, while children who have
affectionate and caring father tend to have fewer social problems such as
smoking or drinking, and they are more likely to have a stable and fulfilling
marriage relationship in later years.
How much time do you spend with your children in the day? Not just in the same
house, but together - really together.
A popular American song by Harry Chapin tells the sad story of a boy who always
tries to spend time with his father, but always finds him too busy. When the boy
grows up and the father gets older, the father always wants to spend time with
his son, but his son always has other things to do.
Quality time spent between a father and his children is essential for both the
parent and the offspring. The children need to know that their father loves and
cares for them, and the father needs to be careful that he doesn’t lose his
relationship with his children by neglect.
Tips to Improve Father-Child Relationship
“O Believers! Save Yourself and Your families from a Fire whose fuel is men
and stones.” [At-Tahreem, 66:6]
This verse points to the goal as well as the required seriousness of our efforts
in bringing up our children.
There are several ways father can spend quality time with his children and
develop a relationship with them. Even if he is extremely busy, he can probably
free up enough time to do some of these things.
The mother is the one who spends the most time with the children and so she must
be the main one to discipline them.
The hadith says, “Paradise lies at the feet of the mother.” The mother is the
one who spends the most time with the children and so she must be the main one
to discipline them. As such, husband and in fact all other family members,
including in-laws, should respect mother’s role and support her in this task.
Show your children in simple ways that you love them
Some fathers try to appeal to their children by showering them with gifts rather
than giving of themselves. This may cause more harm than good. The simple
example of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) is much better. When his daughter Fatima (may
Allah be pleased with her) would come to him, the Prophet used to stand up, kiss
her, take her hand, and give her his seat. Later in life, this personal
affection will be much more memorable to children than receiving a gift.
Play with children like child: The Prophet was always patient and
considerate with children and took great pain not to hurt their tender feelings.
Narrated Abu Qatadah: “The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) came towards us
while carrying umamamh the daughter of Abi-Al-As (Prophet’s granddaughter) over
his shoulder. He prayed, and when he wanted to bow, he put her down, and when he
stood up he lifted her up.”
Let your children help you with simple tasks: Allow them to help you carry in
the groceries, make dinner, or help you in doing your work. Children often get
great joy from doing things that adult consider work.
Take the family for a picnic: Spend time with your children playing Frisbee,
passing a ball, or pushing them in the swings. Your children will cherish this
special time together as a family.
Help your children with their homework: Show them that you are truly interested
in their education and life by asking them what they did in school and looking
at their books, projects, and assignments with them.
Have at least one meal a week every day:
Give your small children a bath sometimes: Usually, mothers bathe the children,
but bath time is an excellent opportunity for fathers to be with their kids. Let
them splash around and play a little more than mom does.
Teach your children to make wudu (Ablution) and pray with you: If at home,
praying together as a family Jamat is better than praying alone. Children love
to call azan. Make the youngest one the salat manager at home, taking care of
prayer rugs, timing, and inviting everyone to salat.
Take your children to the masjid with you: This is an excellent way for you to
build a relationship with them as both a father and a Muslim.
Be available for your children, and let them know that you are there for
anything they want to discuss. If you are not available to talk to your
children, somebody else probably will be, and it may be the wrong kind of
person. A good way of getting to know your children better as individuals is to
take them out one at a time for eating, conversation, or some other event.