May 8th, 2008 at 5:18 pm (Uncategorized)
i know who my real friends are. they’re the ones who aren’t afraid to tell me when i’m in the wrong, or defend me when i’m not there. they’re real friends not because i see them all the time or know their favorite color; they’re real because they have the same goals as me. and i know that i lose sight of that ultimate goal occasionally, or often as it were, but it’s still there, and real friends *remind* you of that goal. they remind you that this life is fleeting. that having fun, while perfectly alright, can become excessive and distract you from your purpose in life. stopping to think is just as beautiful, if not more beautiful, than speeding up to get to the next destination.
i shouldn’t have to compromise myself, my ideals, my principles, for any one or any thing. i’m weak if i do. sometimes i lose focus of the big picture, purposely, because i want to ignore it for a minute in pursuit of something that seems more immediate, closer. the truth is, it’s not. i can’t afford to be so shallow with my own soul. i can’t afford to lose sight of the bigger picture. and the fact of the matter is, anyone who wants to be close to me has to have the same ultimate goal in mind and try their best not to get so distracted by the lesser things of this dunya (world).
maybe i am perceived as uptight and an ice queen. i don’t care, and as yet another good friend reminded me, it doesn’t matter if everyone hates you as long as you’re doing what’s good and right. it’s hard, to realize your nobler desires. to pause and look at the stars- not just to see them, but to wonder at the majesty behind them. to spend time with yourself, picking apart your heart and separating your base desires from your fitra. to let yourself feel sorrow for all the things wrong in the world. those perceptions of me are wrong is all i can say. if anything, i feel too much. i just happen to do it on my own time.
fitra- it’s an arabic word, and i think a close translation is “disposition.” what you are, at your core. what your soul really thrives off of. your natural state. humans have a fitra that is inclined toward all things noble, beautiful, good. we often manage to convolute it, though, with distractions. with dishonesty to ourselves. with satan in our ears. with our own nafs (animalistic soul).
i haven’t spent enough time in my 22 years getting back to my fitra, and i want to. i really wonder at the state of my heart right now, how awful it must be. and i think everyone can understand wanting to have a beautiful heart- everyone wants that. i’m gonna spend some time on that. i did write about it a little yesterday- on a rock in the middle of some rapids :)
and you know what? i can be exactly what i want to be and *still* make it look good. that’s right. it ain’t braggin’ if i can back it up.
so excuse me- this shawty’s got work to do. ugh; i was gonna post a song, but the site’s being annoying, so here’s the youtube link: youtube.com/watch?v=-hXKRilPNpc (ignore the actual video; it’s the song i like, ok!?)
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