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Kids dang but ain't they cute when they're not yours


I don’t hate children. I admire them, preferably from afar. And from behind soundproof glass with a ten gallon bucket of cootie remover on hand…just in case.

My family has 14 children, many of which are procreating at the rate that the US deficit is growing. That scares the bejeezus out of me, to think that there are that many spawn of my family running around on Earth. And it should scare you as well.

My outlook is not just because of my political leanings, or sexuality, or anything that you could pin a reason on easily. I worked in a public library, and endured six to eight hours a day of bratty, bawling, and screeching human weasels as they were dragged through the echo chamber of a building I was trapped in with them. That experience alone has sworn me off of ever even thinking of creating other humans, even if my only job were to provide the necessary spermatozoa to whomever. No thank you very much.

But…And mine is a rather large “but…”

Sometimes there comes along a kid or two who is the most adorable little person I’ve ever had the pleasure of speaking to. Precocious, articulate, and as guileless as angels, they can surprise me on occasion. Not enough to change my mind about them as a group, mind you, but enough to make me laugh for days remembering something one of the little rug monkeys did or said. So, in light of those rare moments, here is a list of some funny anecdotal writings from kids as compiled by 8th-12th grade teachers. But let’s face it, 12th graders are rarely cute…just loud.!

1) Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2) The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”

3) Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4) Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5) The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6) Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7) Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

19) Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

20) During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008 - Posted by Christian | Uncategorized | | No Comments

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